Penelo's Very Secret Diary
by Touch of Gray
Summary: Vaan tells me I should keep a diary, so I am. He swears this is going to make us filthy rich someday, because apparently my work pays for his lunch. Unfortunately, most times it does.
1. The Mine Flayer

**The Golmore Jungle, Late Saturday**

I swear, if these awful thorns don't stop getting in my hair, I'm going to _kill_ something.

--

**The Golmore Jungle, Later Saturday**

Vaan tells me that I should keep a diary, so I am. He keeps going on about this making millions of gil when we get out of this, the chronicle of how a couple street rats saved the world (and, you know, a Princess and some sky pirates and a dead knight, but who cares about them, anyway?) He swears this is going to make us filthy rich someday, because apparently my work pays for his lunch. Unfortunately, most times it does.

What Vaan doesn't know is that the chances of me not dropping this off some cliff, accidentally setting fire to it, or simply letting people see it are not good. And by "not good" I mean, "There's no way in _hell._" Vaan can deal with it.

At any rate, a bit of background. We are currently wandering through the Golmore Jungle like a pack of fools, trying to find some way out of this god-forsaken place, hopefully in the direction of some big mountain with an unpronounceable name. I have recently discovered a deep-seated hatred for the Golmore Jungle. Oh, yeah, it's pretty, but it's weirdly cold and humid and filled with a lot of deadly, freaky, huge, hungry monsters that apparently like the taste of Young Rabanastrans in Leather.

(With a side of Silent Viera in Metal and Annoying Rabanastrans in Vests. Ashe and Balthier and Basch freaking _rape _their ways through this place, and I want it known right now that I hate them for it. At least Larsa has the decency to trek back from the Monster Killers Extraordinaire to toss me a potion when I'm clinging to Vaan's leg, begging him not to let me die all alone in this unfamiliar place.)

(Or Fran's leg, but she's not as nice about it. You'd think she'd be able to spare us a cure spell or two, but she spends all her MP on trying to kill the monsters who want to eat us.)

I'm in an awfully angry mood right now. I suppose this happens when you watch your comrades beat paths for themselves and leave you to be ambushed by a mass of jaguars and freaky plant-ish things with crowns. And it doesn't help that the trees around here are droopy and like to catch unsuspecting dancers around the head and get thorns in uncomfortable places.

Ever had thorns stuck in leather? It's not fun. Not fun _at all._

And to top everything off, it's Vaan's day to cook, which translates into "it's Penelo's day to throw out whatever Vaan cooked and make something herself."

I should make them Malboro Vine Spaghetti. Then we'll see if they leave me to die with Vaan and Fran.

--

...Oh gods, they ate it!

--

**Eruyt Village, Sunday**

Is this a Viera thing, the, uh, metal thongs? I mean, I get a wedgie pretty bad with my leather pantsuit, but ouch. I'm glad I'm not a viera. I can't even begin to understand how that's supposed to work. (Do they go to the bathroom? I haven't seen anything resembling a bathroom, let alone a toilet. Oh, what if they go on trees, and I've been leaning against them the whole way here? Eww.)

(...I think I need sleep.)

--

**Still In Viera-Land, Sunday Afternoon**

Do you have any idea how hard it is to convince xenophobic bunny-ladies to let you sleep in one of their many abandoned huts? The only way I managed it was through the grace of Balthier, explaining that I was desperately ill (what frightens me is that I looked it) and needed sleep. He offered, smirking, to stay with me, but I declined. For one, Balthier is girlier than I am when it comes to sleeping arrangements and cleanliness, but more than that, I don't want Ashe to give me one of her many glares.

Oh, come on, even _Larsa's_ noticed the way she eyes him, and Larsa probably still thinks children spring up from cabbages.

Though it was kind of flattering. Then again, that's the sort of thing Balthier does. He's a flirt. He probably doesn't know how to act when he's not trying to get up a girl's skirt or in her pants.

Anyway, Balthier helped me get a place to sleep, and then left Vaan to wake me up when it was time to go. Fortunately, Vaan actually did remember me, so I didn't get left behind with a bunch of thong-wearing Amazonian rabbits.

So we're about to head off for the Henne Mines. Because apparently I haven't seen enough of mines. Vaan is also trying to look over my shoulder and read what I'm writing, claiming that if we're going to use this to get rich, he wants to make sure I'm not writing anything too incriminating. Yes, because _Vaan _knows what other people will take offense to. Yes, of course.

Must go, leaving for magicite mines.

Wish me luck.

--

_Vaan is just about the hottest thing on two legs, you know. All big and strong, with that sword and everything, I could fall into his arms any day._

--

**Henne Mines, Ungodly Hours of Sunday Night And/Or Monday Morning**

I am going to kill my best friend.

You would think that being stuck in gloomy mines just packed with monsters ready to rip us to shreds would keep him in check, but _nooo_, he has to go steal my diary and write ridiculous entries in it that make no sense whatsoever. I mean, seriously. Big and strong? Ha. If I want to fall into someone's arms, I'll aim for Balthier, or at least Basch.

Hell, I'd even aim for Larsa, even though there's a good chance I'd crush him. Anyone but Vaan.

...Okay, so there is an explanation for this. I did kind of trip over some rock formation, and I did - sort of - fall into his arms. But it wasn't really the romantic kind of thing, you know, because I faceplanted his chest and he fell backwards and tripped up Fran, who did possibly the most undignified thing I've ever seen her do, and hastily reached out and ended up grabbing Ashe around the knees, making her collapse into Balthier, who crashed against the wall with Ashe's face - literally - in his crotch. And Larsa stared, while Basch tried very hard to control his laughter and help the blood-red princess up.

(Balthier, it should be noted, only snickered.)

I blamed Vaan. No one questioned me.

Yeah, I'm a horrible person. But, you know, he'd do the same to me. Of course, I am the dancer, so I should, in theory, have balance. Usually, I do.

I'm still mortified about the whole thing, though not as much as Ashe is. She won't even look at Balthier. It's great. In a... "laughing at the anguish I've caused other people" sort of way. But, hey, I'll take what I can get.

But at any rate, ignoring the events of the past several hours, we're somewhere in the bowels of the Henne Mines. I think - though I wouldn't say it out loud - that someone got us lost. Probably Vaan, but then again, Fran kept telling us not to go that way, that the mist was leading her here. So it's all confusing and none of us know where we are.

Larsa says there's some giant monster locked up here somewhere. I told him to keep things like that to himself. Vaan asked him how to find it.

I really don't want to run into some giant monster that's been locked up in nasty old mines for thousands of years. I wouldn't be happy if I was that monster, and I think I'd attack whatever pretty little dancers happened to innocently wander into my midst.

Ugh. We finally stopped for the night, but thanks to my little nap earlier, I'm not very tired. Then again, Vaan took the space next to me, and it's really hard to sleep near Vaan because he sleeps all over the place. I mean it. He'll throw his arms out, steal my blanket, kick me in the stomach, smack me in the face, and then wake up the next morning without knowing a thing he's done. But I'm used to this, unfortunately.

I'm also smart enough to trick someone else into sleeping next to him, but it didn't take long for them to figure me out. Usually, we can all wait for Vaan to settle down and lay our bedrolls appropriately far from his, but there's not so much room in the mines and we're all on top of each other, trying to sleep without getting too many rocks in our pants.

Basch is on first watch. Maybe I'll bother him.

--

Basch isn't very interesting in the dead of night, just so you know. He nodded and smiled in all the right places, but I think he was too busy keeping an eye on Balthier, to make sure he didn't pull anything on (or off, for that matter) Ashe. I wish I had friends who looked out for me like that, but I left them in Rabanastre.

Actually, come to think of it, I never had them. Except maybe Reks. But Reks always slept like a log, and wouldn't have stayed up all night just to make sure Tomaj wasn't feeling me up.

I'm pathetic.

--

**Henne Mines, Early Dawn, I think**

My spine is aching where Vaan kicked it.

Why didn't I opt to go home, again?  
---  
--  
-  
(A/N: Yes, it's ridiculous. I know. Merry (late) Christmas, sapereaude13!)


	2. Parimina Run

**The Parimina Rift, Early Morning... Whenever.**

I've given up trying to keep track of the days. It's been snowing like crazy ever since we set foot in this place, and I'm beginning to wonder if this mountain even exists, because I haven't come across it. I feel like we've probably only made it about ten feet into the rift, but Larsa swears that we're really not so far, now.

Of course, Balthier and Ashe got the best of the weapons we bought in Bunny Village - Ashe because Basch buys her weapons and he'll only give her the absolute best, and Balthier because he controls the money flow. I got landed with a staff. Balthier tells me that it'll help my magickal ability, which is already about ten times better than his.

(I didn't tell him that I would fry those leather pants right to his legs if he didn't stop implying that I couldn't control a big, scary sword. Mostly because he never once mentioned swords.)

(...And because I said I'd rather hang back and use magick. _Beside the point._)

(I really just wanted to get that threat written down for later use. The things I think of in the dead of night.)

Of course, I'm the one stuck tending the fire, because I'm the mage, so therefore, I'm the one who can sit there and re-light it when it inevitably goes out at 1 AM and the ice-sickles forming on Vaan's eyelids wake him up. I really did feel bad for him when that happened. Didn't stop me from laughing, but still.

I mean, come on! I'm the one who had to melt them, so I'm totally justified.

Oh, yeah. Haven't written in here in a while. Things have been kind of... crazy. What with big mine monsters and the long, hard trek back to Bunny Village (I can_not_spell the proper name. Crucify me.) Chocobo trails are supposed to only be used by_ chocobos_, you know. Hence the name? Try telling that to Vaan.

"But there aren't any chocobos around! What are we supposed to do, wait for one to wander into our hands?"

Well, Vaan, when the alternative is crawling hand-over-hand through impenetrable brush, clinging to Balthier's leg like I'm going to die if I don't, getting stuck by the hair and having to be rescued by Larsa - who, by the way, is much more gallant than _certain other people_ - three times, being kicked in the shoulder by a _Viera_, and getting thorns stuck in my _teeth_, then yes, we do wait for a chocobo to wander into our hands. Sometimes I wonder why Balthier puts up with us. He's like a big brother, really.

(The, um, flirty big brother you sort of have a crush on, which makes him much less a big brother and more... I dunno. I had big brothers once, and they spent all their time teasing me and annoying me. Balthier actually helps me when I really need it.)

(Emphasis on the "when I really need it" bit. I can't tell you how many times he's looked at me and said, "Tough it out, Penelo. You're a big girl, aren't you?" Jerk.)

Acutally I think he puts up with us because Ashe and Basch and Fran put up with us. If it was just me and Vaan stuck with Balthier, he'd leave us to rot. We drive him up the wall, mostly on purpose. I mean, it's his fault, really. He's the one who's so anal about his looks.

So what if I sabatoged his hair gel on the same morning Vaan snitched all of his soaps and shaving accessories? Ashe enjoyed it. Come to think of it, he's the only one that didn't. I think even _Fran_ snickered when Balthier threatened to strip-search Vaan.

He needs to lighten up. It's all in good fun.

--

**Still The Parimina Rift, Late Night... Whenever**

Blizzard has not let up. Vaan suggested we all huddle together for warmth. Ashe told him to sleep with the wolves if he's so cold.

But then, she's shivering so violently she can hardly speak, and her (white) shirt is soaked through with snow, so she's wrapped in Basch's blanket as well as her own. I am in the same league as Balthier - the "You people are idiots for wearing short skirts and skimpy vests" league - but I'm still cold, and he doesn't look particularly cozy either.

Fran is the worst. Poor girl. Someone should have mentioned the fact that metal gets awfully cold.

(Yeesh.)

Frighteningly enough, I agree with Vaan. Larsa (oh, who is also in the "You people are idiots for wearing short skirts and skimpy vests" league, and actually looks warmer than the rest of us) agrees with Vaan. Fran glares. Basch says that he'll do whatever Ashe does. Which means that things are pretty much even, three say do huddle together like freezing bears, three say keep our dignity.

It's up to Balthier.

--

I'm huddled with Vaan by the dying fire while everyone else is curled up in the tent like freezing bears.

I _knew _we shouldn't have stolen all his hair products.

--

**Mount Bur-Omisiace. Omicase. Amisace. Whatever.**

Ashe won't admit it, but everyone is really happy to be here. There are some really nice refugees who've made us a lovely hot stew and they've lent us thick woolen blankets and allowed us to huddle in their huts. I spent all day helping this Nalbinan lady take care of her five-year-old son. His name is Aiden and he's _adorable._

He's got these big brown eyes and lots of messy blond hair and we spent all day making snowmen and baking cookies and planning out all these really great pranks on Vaan. He's already calling me "Aunt Penny" and holds my hand whenever we go anywhere. How cool is that?

I've never been an Aunt before. I like this.

Ashe keeps insisting that we must keep moving because the Archadian forces won't wait. Balthier finally grabbed her by the shoulders and told her that there was a blizzard raging on the mountain, and if we hardly survived the trip here, how would a huge Archadian fleet?

He insisted that we stay here at least a couple of days to restock and renew the life in our limbs.

For the record, I am, in fact, secretly in love with him. Just saying.

--

Aww, Aiden! He's even grown on Ashe. You should have seen it (well, ignoring the lack of eyes, but work with me here). Ashe was moping at the fire because, I dunno, some people died a few years ago and we're not doing anything to avenge their deaths _right this very instant_, and he crawled up in her lap with a storybook and begged her to read him a fairytale. She tried to tell him no, and even pointed him toward Basch (who suddenly vanished, by the way), but he kept insisting.

It was so cute! He was just sitting in her lap, while she told him a fairytale about a lovely princess who gets put under an enchantment, so she sleeps until true love's first kiss. He fell asleep, right there, and she just sat there and smiled at him.

I think Ashe is finally starting to get it, you know? This whole time, it's been about getting back her throne and all this, but I think she's starting to see why Vaan and I came along.

It's for all the kids like Aiden who've grown up in Lowtown, bathing in sewers and roasting rats over spits to eat. Aiden actually has it better, because his mother escaped Nalbina and came here before he could be forced to deal with any of that. He's lucky. He had a mother to save him.

I think for the first time, Ashe isn't fighting for herself.

Vaan's been saying from the start that she'll make a great Queen. For once, I agree.

...Wow, this is a melancholy entry.

--

**The Icy Bowels of Hell, Again, Late Morning**

I want the desert back.


	3. The Things We Do

**The Stilshrine of Miriam, Sometime after Midnight**

"This is the most amazing place I have ever in my life been."

No, Vaan, this is like being dragged through the deepest pits of hell by my eyelashes. Nevermind that you didn't read the inscription on that pedestal thing and so tried to use it about twelve times without realizing that we were struggling for our very lives behind you against the eighty thousand creatures that you were _steadily raising from the dead._

Note to self: If there's an old, important-looking poem or carving in any mystical, strange, old place, read it before doing anything. I'm covered in zombie guts and Balthier hasn't stopped glaring at Vaan since. Even Ashe stopped to look horrified, and suggested that we go back outside - !!! - to wash some of the "foulness" off our shoes, shirts, hair, clothes, nostrils, etc., etc...

But it's even colder here than it is in the rift, and the idea of trekking through here soaking wet is even less appealing than the idea of trekking through here covered in dead people.

Ugh, that sounds even worse when I write it down. Eew. There is no amount of soap in the world that will make me feel clean again.

But on the plus side, all the sentient monsters are avoiding us. Granted, the statues don't care, but I hate them anyway and run from them whenever I can. I mean, it's not that they're _that _hard to kill, but they have this nasty habit of falling apart when you do kill them, and I'm already covered in zombie bits - the last thing I need is to be covered in dusty zombie bits. Although the image of Vaan getting hit over the head with a big rock is a really nice one.

Wait, let me commit that to memory really quick.

Mmm, dead Vaan.

He's looking over my shoulder. Yes, Vaan, I am plotting your death. And you thought you only had to worry about _Balthier_ strangling you in your sleep for this one! Oh, no. I want you dead, Ashe probably wants to wring your neck, Fran has been even colder than usual, and even Basch won't talk to you. How does that feel?

--

**The Stilshrine of Miriam, Five Minutes Later**

Now that I've wrenched my diary back from Vaan's clutches, I can finish this entry.

I don't know. For some reason, he apparently thinks that antagonizing me and stealing my things is going to make me reconsider his impending doom. Isn't that cute? He thinks there's a possibility that I won't murder him. Ha-ha, oh, Vaan! You make me laugh.

Hmm. So, as I said earlier, we're in the Stilshrine of Miriam, looking for the Sword of Kings. Which is great and all, but I'm pretty sure we didn't all have to tag along with this one. I mean, Ashe and Balthier and Basch pretty much kick all the arse we need to kick. I show up every now and then to heal when one of them is out of MP, or in the rare case of a flying enemy and Ashe realizes that slashing randomly at the air isn't going to do any damage.

I'm a little bitter. You'd be too if you were stuck watching from behind as all the hotness crowded around one girl and left you with an idiot and a pint-sized emperor.

That's mean. Vaan's okay most of the time and Larsa was a lot of fun to have around. In fact, I'd really like Larsa to be back right now, because he would help me plot Vaan's murder.

Moment of silence for the dead Archadian Emperor.

Forgive me for not being incredibly sympathetic. I mean, I felt bad for Larsa when he got the news thrown on him by Al-Cid (who really deserves his own entry all to himself about how much I want to bash his foppy little face in, but you know, I can't get away with things like that without people looking at me funny) but my sympathy is limited. The late emperor did conquer my country and kill my family. Just because Larsa rocks harder than quartz doesn't make me like his father any more.

(...rocks harder than quartz? What was _that?_)

(Oh, dear Faram, I'm starting to sound like Vaan. I've made it through the past twelve years I've known him without adopting any of his speech patters and _now_ I'm starting to sound like him. Kill me now, before I start spouting off dreams of being a sky pirate.)

(_Please._)

I really should get some sleep. We've got a pretty early morning coming and it's already past midnight and Basch is snoring like an incoming airship (I _know_. Basch snoring? _So funny_.) and Vaan has already taken over his allotted massive amount of space, even though he's just sulking because I stole my diary back before he could write obnoxious entires in it.

Oh, no. I just thought... How am I supposed to sleep when my shirt squelches with nastiness every time I move?

AUGH. THIS IS SO DISGUSTING. I AM GOING TO KILL VAAN.

--

**The Deepest Bowels of the Stilshrine of Miriam, Late Afternoon**

Okay, so we're almost to this place where we get the Sword of Kings, right? And we've already made it through all of Vaan's immature jokes about walking right under this big statue's crotch (which I did, admittedly, laugh at, and even Basch snickered a bit because, really, it was pretty funny), so we're just walking through, minding our own businesses, when WHAM! out of nowhere, this big scary purple horse teleports right in front of my face.

Well, I, being a barely-seventeen-year-old dancer with a big stick for a weapon and no shield, do what any barely-seventeen-year-old dancer with a big stick for a weapon and no shield would have done, and I screamed. Very loudly. And fell over.

And then Balthier came to my rescue. He and Basch killed the big horse thing and then they paid me - ME! - all of their attention while they made sure that the kick I took to the stomach and the graceless fall hadn't seriously hurt me, and then Basch said, "Maybe we should take her in our party more often so she can get more experience."

Cue heart-stoppage. Vaan kind of glared, and it would be really nice to think he was jealous of the fact that he hadn't saved me first, but I really think he was jealous because I was soaking up all of Balthier's attention.

I think he's secretly gay for Balthier.

...Eew.

..._Eew._ I can't believe I wrote that.

But yes. I got all the hotness for once and it was quite amazing, thank you. Mmm-hmm. This could only be improved if Reks were here.

What? Reks was _hot._

Anyway, I still don't really understand what big scary purple horses are doing in a holy shrine. I was kind of under the impression that most horses were some shade of brown or gray or black. And weren't fiery. And didn't teleport. Or kick innocent bystanders in the stomach.

This is my least favorite place to date. Including the freaking Parimina Rift._  
_


	4. Paying for the Past

**The Parimina Rift, Again, Late Night... Whatever day it is**

You know, when I was a kid, I wanted to be the damsel in distress. She was always the same character in all the stories - the lonely princess trapped in a dark tower by an evil witch, and the prince would always swoop in and save her, kill the witch, and then they'd ride off into the sunset, where the princess's long-lost family was waiting with open arms and a big wedding planned for her and her savior. I loved that. No matter what happened to her, she always got a happy ending and she always fell in love with a handsome stranger.

I used to think that was so cool, and then I grew up some and I realized that Prince Charming is a moron and totally boring anyway, and the damsels in distress never actually did anything except get captured. I started to think, wouldn't it be cool to be the evil witch? Now, _that _is a job I can sink my teeth into, let me tell ya.

And now... Gods, I don't know. The witch always dies in the end, and besides, I can't be that evil. But I got a taste of the damsel in distress and that was not all what it was cracked up to be. I mean, yeah, a handsome stranger _did_ technically come to my rescue, but he kind of screwed up (I'm thinking the mistake was letting Vaan come along) and the bad guys just let me go anyway.

Plus, the bad guys? Were not sexy evil witches.

Why am I even thinking about this? I mean, there's a whole lot more to think about - what's going on up at the Mountain, is Aiden okay, who told Vaan he could eat all my food, what's going to happen to Larsa now that his father is dead, what's going to happen to Dalmasca now that Gramis is dead, what's going to happen to Archadia now that Gramis is dead...

I guess it's just too much, you know? I can't answer of these things and I can't make them right. For all I know, Aiden is dead and the Mountain is being destroyed. And I'm stuck out here in the blizzard without food and it's cold and I can't sleep and I can't think and

* * *

Had a talk with Basch. I guess he heard me writing and came in to see why I wasn't sleeping. I might have been sobbing, too. I feel kind of bad about it because I don't think he really knows how to deal with crying, hungry, sleep-deprived mages, but he did his best (and he gave me Vaan's rations for the day, explaining that it was probably just a misunderstanding).

I kind of couldn't shut up. I sat there and cried and I told him everything. How scared I am about Aiden and the others on the Mountain, how I'm worried about Dalmasca and Archadia and Larsa, and even about how I really, really wanted someone to swoop in and save me.

He didn't call me childish. He just laughed and said that he used to think that Knights were the coolest things in the world, which is why he decided to become one.

"I think we were both wrong, weren't we?" and that was all he said about it. He also told me that I'm not the only one worried about Dalmasca and Larsa now that the Emperor is dead, and that he worries about the children on the Mountain as well. And apparently, everything is really bothering Ashe, too. He said that it's frustrating to feel so useless, but until the blizzard dies down enough for us to walk, there isn't anything any of us could do.

Is it weird that he's kind of become the father of the group? He looks out for us, Vaan and me especially, showing us how to use unfamiliar weapons and reassuring us that we are not pathetic fighters and making sure we don't get hit by any really awful spells. It's nice to have a dad again, even if he isn't really... you know.

Balthier is the sort-of-brother, Basch is the sort-of-father, Fran is... Well, I guess Fran's the closest thing this group has to a mother, being all regal and older and such. Ashe is the awesome older sister, while Vaan and I - we're the obnoxious little siblings.

See? One big happy family.

Except that I'm pretty sure Ashe has a thing for Balthier and Vaan has it bad for Ashe (and Fran, sometimes), Balthier may or may not be sleeping with Fran, while I've got a crush on - um, several guys. Considering how often Vaan reads this behind my back, I am not going into any details. The last time I made that mistake, he teased me about being madly in love with Balthier for over a week, and I have this horrible suspicion that Balthier heard about it.

I know for a fact Larsa did. Ever had to explain to a twelve-year-old that your best friend is a complete idiot and has no idea how to deal with people, and why this means that you aren't in love with a sky pirate?

No?

It's not fun.

Ugh. I may as well try to sleep.

* * *

**The Golmore Jungle, Roughly Sunset**

I don't want to go into any detail about what happened back at the Mountain. In short, they were attacked by Archadian forces. We fought and killed Judge Bergan, who was possessed by something vaguely resembling a Hallowe'en costume, and then we set about trying to find survivors. There were a lot, but they were all kind of panicked.

Aiden is alive. His mother isn't. One of the Acolytes was taking care of him when we got there. I offered to take him back to Rabanastre with me, but then Vaan reminded me that I didn't really have a house and all I could do for him was pass him on to Migelo, and that wouldn't be much of a life. I tried to say that I could just stay in Rabanastre with him, but Ashe told me that she needed me in the group. It was... strange.

Aiden gave me a huge hug and kept asking me where his mother was, so I told him that she was gone to a better place because I never really followed religion and I don't know what happens to people when they die. The acolyte smiled at me when I said it, so I must have done something right. It was hard not to cry.

Anyway, we're on our way back to Rabanastre, with a whole bunch of loot to sell and buy better weapons, if Rabanastre even has them. Vaan's talking about getting a bigger spear (which I did tease him about, for the record). I worry about him sometimes. He thinks he can handle these huge, terrifying weapons and he's not really that big or strong. I swear, one of these days, he's going to smack himself in the face with a spear and get eaten by a big monster.

...I'm trying, okay? It's really, really hard to laugh right now. I told Balthier about Vaan accidentally killing himself with a spear and he actually snickered, but that's the best I've managed to get out of the group so far. It's frustrating to be stuck here and everyone is down and we're all worried sick about everyone back home and up at the Mountain and ugh.

Breathe, Pen. It's all gonna work out. It's all gonna work out. It's all gonna work out.

Oh, man. I'm up to cook tonight. _ Beautiful_.

* * *

ARGH MALBORO.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THIS DAMN JUNGLE. NOW I HAVE MALBORO GUTS ALL OVER MY CLOTHES.

And Vaan? Your little "rescue Penelo from the evil monster" thing? Did not help. I was already zapping it to Annoying Monster Hell with lightning. Leaping at it from above with your stupid spear did nothing but splatter us with cooked Malboro and get yourself shocked.

(Though I admit, the spazzed-out hair you've got going on cracks me up every time I look at you. And for the record, there's a reason Ashe is ignoring you. It's because you look like a fool and you smell like dead monster and if she so much as glances at your hair she's going to burst into hysterical laughter. And you missed Balthier's unrestrained guffaws because you were too busy trying to clean your spear. I'm glad someone's enjoying this.)

Everyone's getting fried Malboro Vines for supper, though, because guess who sabatoged the soup I was making? First, the Malboro tried to get into it, but I was dealing with that. But it was Vaan's superhero-yell-fly-down-from-a-tree-and-stab-the-evil-beast thing that sloshed half the soup out of the pot, and then his zapped-by-lightning-and-dying-monster trick that took out the rest of it.

Oddly enough, no one is teasing him about it. Probably because he looks so pathetic. He's covered in Malboro guts, all of his hair is sticking straight up (including his eyebrows), and both of his thighs are scorched from the soup. I managed to swallow my laughter and annoyance and thanked him for his epic rescue.

He looked kind of sheepish and told me that I probably could have taken care of it, but he was already coming and, well... Poor guy. I'd feel bad for him if I didn't smell like Fried Fiend.

I hope this doesn't taste as bad as it smells.

* * *

Apparently, Malboros give Viera food poisoning. Did not know this.

Oops.

* * *

A/N: I hate those stupid horizontal lines. Sorry for the huge wait. Um, I don't have a good excuse. I actually promised myself I'd get them to Nalbina by the end of the chapter, but the Golmore Jungle was more fun. Besides, the image of Vaan post-lightning-zap? Can you imagine that? Please. Take a moment to visualize this.

Now, then. Nalbina? Can wait, y/y?

Review!

* * *


	5. Get My Stuff Back!

**Osmone Plain, Ass-Crack of Dawn**

I am wet.

It's been raining since about ten minutes before we left Golmore, and everyone is sick of it. More than that, I don't think it's set to stop until we get through the Giza Plains, since I'm like 87 percent sure that it's still the rains. I will never -- _never_ -- stop cursing myself for selling our teleport stones. It seemed like a good idea at the time, I mean, 100 gil for one dinky little rock? Hell yeah, right?

Vaan hasn't stopped glaring at me since he found out that we didn't have any. At first, he was all upbeat because, well, Ashe wears white, but the novelty of royal breasts has long worn off, and now he's just as grumpy as the rest of us.

Balthier keeps insisting that we stop in at Jahara, claiming that the Garif "sell gorgeous weapons" but he's not fooling anyone. He just wants to steal one of their masks to use as an umbrella. I'd say something about it, but I've already promised him half of the next hunt's cut if he steals me one too.

Besides, those Garif masks are kinda cool, and I have many nefarious plans with them, which involve a sleeping Basch and me wearing one.

Or Vaan, but he sleeps too hard. Balthier has immunity from Sneaky Penelo, and at any rate, I think he's planning to scare Fran. Which I'll pay very good money to see, no lie. I mean, I like Fran, but. Well.

Anyway, we're something like four hours from Jahara, and it really depends on how annoyed Ashe is whether we stop or not. If she's really ticked off, she'll make us keep going through the rain and sludge because -- even though she gets drenched with the rest of us -- it gives her a sick sort of satisfaction every time Balthier's leather pants make that _squeeaaalch _sound as he walks.

I feel like Ashe would make a really good evil mastermind. I'm glad that we're on the same side.

* * *

**Jahara, High Noon (not that you can tell through the clouds, though), Garif Hunter Oook-a-dook's Tent**

Balthier is, as we speak, obtaining two Garif masks. I don't know if he's buying them or stealing them, and I don't care. Now, the real question: How do I carry one of those things?

(Also, I don't understand Garif names.)

* * *

Balthier is walking around with his Garif mask on. I would kill for one of those high-end Archadian cameras right now.

* * *

Vaan has offered me his firstborn child for my Garif mask. Mwhahahahaha.

Ashe thinks that we're being horribly rude outsiders and that we're mocking the Garif and their age-old traditions, but judging by their reactions, they find us amusing, going so far as to mock Balthier and I behind our backs. I'm really okay with this. I mean, yeah, the mockery of a culture older than dirt kind of stings, but I'm also dry for the first time in three days, and I've got this kick-ass tribal mask to boot. It's like Yule came early for me!

Also, Basch is plotting to steal my mask. I can see it in his eyes. He'll have to wrench it out of my cold, dead hands.

* * *

**Jahara, Early Evening, It's Still Raining I Hate Life**

Basch is wearing my mask. Jerk.

He'll give it back, I think. At some point. It's Basch, right? He's got this whole "nobility" and "honor" thing going. He wouldn't dare keep a poor little girl's awesome Garif mask, right?

I'm glaring at him anyway. And even though I can't see his face, I know that he's quivering in fear. I've got a horrifying glare. Only Ashe's "Stop Looking Down My Shirt" glare is scarier. Although Larsa does give a mean "Stop Playing Whack-A-Wild-Onion" glare.

The point it, I'm going to get my mask back, at whatever cost. I may even get really wild, and team up with Vaan to do so.

* * *

**Jahara, Midnight**

We got my mask back!

Granted, we also ended up with half the settlement, Ashe, Fran, and the Garif High Elder berating us for our immaturity (Balthier slept through the whole thing, and Basch was guilty by association), but who cares? It was an adventure, let me tell you. It involved rigging Basch's entire tent to rise ten feet into the air, which Vaan and I accomplished through a series of pulleys and a massive amount of rope.

And then we released the chocobos, and dropped the tent on Basch, with a note telling him to return the mask if he wanted the chocobos off of him.

Needless to say, he returned my mask. I have to share it with Vaan, but at least he didn't ask for money.

(It would have been like eighteen thousand times cooler if the chocobos hadn't been really docile, and had done more than wander around aimlessly. But I call it a win.)

Anyway, now I have to go collapse in my tent with my amazing mask, and sleep until King Raithwall himself comes out of the afterlife and wakes me up.

* * *

**Jahara, Dawn**

1. It's still raining.

2. My mask is missing.

3. I'm awake.

I hate everything.

* * *

A/N: It's been way too long. It's a ridiculously ridiculous story as to why, so I'm not going to bother. I'm back in it because I'm re-playing XII and I just thought about this story, and well... Yeah. Short chapter due to Author needing to get to bed. I took into account what a few people said about picking on Vaan too much in the previous chapter and toned it back some. I never intended him to end up as the butt-monkey, but he does it so well. Anyway, tell me what you think!


End file.
